Summertime Sadness

I’ve been slacking on the blog!  My last entry was Saturday during the festival.

Well, the rest of the festival went fine.  It was sort of a coming out party for me.  Almost everyone is aware now that I am not drinking.  Overall, I would say that I am happy with how it all went.  It can be depressing to be around so many drunk people, but I managed to enjoy myself.

Some of my friends are struggling a bit with my decision.  I have not had a drop of alcohol in over a month, and I noticed that some people are starting to evaluate their own drinking habits.  This evaluation seems to lead to the conclusion that they are drinking too much.  Then they get all depressed and ask me my opinion on their drinking.  I don’t want to advise them on their drinking habits.  I don’t want to go around telling everyone that they should stop drinking.  And then after all that I feel depressed!!  Sheeesh!

The past two weeks have been difficult.  The shiny newness of sobriety wore off and regular old life just kept grinding on.  Sometimes I feel like shit.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything with my life.  Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I’m not drinking because everything else in my life is still the same as it was before!

I know that I am prone to depression so this is expected.  I think that being 40 might have something to do with it as well.  We got ourselves a good ole fucking fashioned mid life crisis going on here methinks! ;-p

My head goes down that rabbit hole I don’t know how many times a day.  Then I stop and think… think…think…think.  Ya know, I do have a lot more money in my bank account this month.  I have a job.  I have people who care about me.  I have my apartment and I love where I live.  I’m staying sober.  No matter how many things I feel down about not accomplishing I can point to sobriety and say “HEY!” this is an accomplishment sitting over here.

I have a lot to work on, but I’m lazy.  What is the cure for that?  There is something deeper here.  Drinking was not the cause of all my problems.  It was a symptom.  Getting rid of drinking is good.  I can honestly look at that and believe 100% in my mind that abstaining from alcohol is a good thing for me.  It just didn’t miraculously solve all my other issues 🙂

Thank God the full moon is well past us now.  I think that my depression gets worse around the full moon.  I’m not sure about that though.  Just a weird thought.

Today felt a little better.  The fact that I decided to write after work tonight is a good sign.

There has been a song playing a lot on the radio the past few weeks and it has been the perfect soundtrack to my mood.  It’s called “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey.  I guess the album came out last year but I just started hearing the song recently.  It’s a beautiful song.  I love it.

Check it out.   Summertime Sadness

– BST

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3 comments
  1. Hey, there,
    Yeppers on the sobriety not solving the problem of LIFE! LOL. It sounds like you’re going through what a lot of us go through, too, on re-evaluating our friendships after we get sober. I had a friend who treated me really mean when I stopped drinking, a combo of “You suck” and “You don’t think you can do this, do you?”, to “Wow, maybe it’s ME who has a problem with drinking” and “I think I’m going to go Sober September”! I’m at a point where I see SO many problems with the way a lot of normal drinkers relate–it’s a byproduct of all the self-work, seeing so clearly how passive aggressive and evasive many, many people are. It’s OK, though. I’ve found, it all just ends up being OK. And, you’re right, drinking does not solve life, but what it does do is what you listed: more money, the job, the friends, the apt, sobriety! It’s all adding up, behind the scenes, to something MUCH bigger. xx

  2. There are times on this Sober journey when you think you are moving on so well with the sobriety that is seems easy, then you expect that the mess your drinking past has created should just go away, it can get you down and drag you back big time if you let it. The main thing is to keep on your sober journey, whatever it takes and whatever goes on around you, keep going, things get better, things get easier, but life will definitely be better.
    Keep you chin you, I’m right behind you and praying for you.
    Wayne

  3. Thanx DDG! Support from my online friends helps me a lot during the “down” times. Today is a holiday and this morning I had about an hour of crazy mental shit feeling that was a bit harder to swallow than usual. Since I don’t have to work today Wolfie was throwing out every trick in the book. It’s a holiday, you can drink today! You feel shitty this morning. You could drink all day if you want! You feel like you have brain damage even though you have been sober over a month. Just say fuck it and get drunk.

    FUCK YOU Wolfie!!!!!! I’m not throwing away my progress!

    I got outside and the fresh air and sunshine immediately helped. I’m feeling much better now.

    Wayne! Hiya! Welcome to my blog. Thank you for the support. I appreciate it!

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