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Depression

I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

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I’ve been slacking on the blog!  My last entry was Saturday during the festival.

Well, the rest of the festival went fine.  It was sort of a coming out party for me.  Almost everyone is aware now that I am not drinking.  Overall, I would say that I am happy with how it all went.  It can be depressing to be around so many drunk people, but I managed to enjoy myself.

Some of my friends are struggling a bit with my decision.  I have not had a drop of alcohol in over a month, and I noticed that some people are starting to evaluate their own drinking habits.  This evaluation seems to lead to the conclusion that they are drinking too much.  Then they get all depressed and ask me my opinion on their drinking.  I don’t want to advise them on their drinking habits.  I don’t want to go around telling everyone that they should stop drinking.  And then after all that I feel depressed!!  Sheeesh!

The past two weeks have been difficult.  The shiny newness of sobriety wore off and regular old life just kept grinding on.  Sometimes I feel like shit.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything with my life.  Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I’m not drinking because everything else in my life is still the same as it was before!

I know that I am prone to depression so this is expected.  I think that being 40 might have something to do with it as well.  We got ourselves a good ole fucking fashioned mid life crisis going on here methinks! ;-p

My head goes down that rabbit hole I don’t know how many times a day.  Then I stop and think… think…think…think.  Ya know, I do have a lot more money in my bank account this month.  I have a job.  I have people who care about me.  I have my apartment and I love where I live.  I’m staying sober.  No matter how many things I feel down about not accomplishing I can point to sobriety and say “HEY!” this is an accomplishment sitting over here.

I have a lot to work on, but I’m lazy.  What is the cure for that?  There is something deeper here.  Drinking was not the cause of all my problems.  It was a symptom.  Getting rid of drinking is good.  I can honestly look at that and believe 100% in my mind that abstaining from alcohol is a good thing for me.  It just didn’t miraculously solve all my other issues 🙂

Thank God the full moon is well past us now.  I think that my depression gets worse around the full moon.  I’m not sure about that though.  Just a weird thought.

Today felt a little better.  The fact that I decided to write after work tonight is a good sign.

There has been a song playing a lot on the radio the past few weeks and it has been the perfect soundtrack to my mood.  It’s called “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey.  I guess the album came out last year but I just started hearing the song recently.  It’s a beautiful song.  I love it.

Check it out.   Summertime Sadness

– BST

Yard work was a good thing today.  It was just gorgeous out.  Sunny and 80 most of the day.  After spending half the day mowing the lawn and cleaning up the yard I was ready for a shower!  A big lunch, a hot  shower and I was ready for work.

Work was much better than last night.  I figured it would be.  Gotta bounce back baby 🙂  Working outside always makes me feel good, and tonight was nice and steady at work, but not crazy.  A good ending to the weekend.

I’m getting excited about passing the one month mark for sobriety!  I think that milestone is going to feel good.  It will strengthen the foundation.

Lately I have been writing down more notes and compiling lists.  I’ve always had a crazy imagination.  Now that I am sober it’s working better.  I have lots of ideas, but the real question is will I act on any of them.  I guess time will tell.

– BST

Nothing much to say about last night.  Just went to work and then came home, read a bit and went to bed.

My brain decided to be foggy at work tonight and that was annoying.  It made what would usually be an easy job a little bit harder hehe 🙂  I work again tonight, so we’ll see if I can turn that around.

The “mind not working” thing can be depressing.  Since I don’t have to be depressed about drinking, it’s one of the only things left that gets me down.  The upside is that I can always say “hey! at least I’m sober”.  Being able to say that always helps 🙂

It’s Sunday!  Time to go out, mow the lawn, and do some yard work.  That should help clear the mind.

– BST

Just getting around to this post here Saturday afternoon.  After work yesterday I decided it was finally time to go visit my favorite bar across the street.  Yes, I live across the street from the bar LOL.  It was another milestone moment.  Everything went well.  I had a ginger ale, and smiled when I found out that it only cost $1 🙂

My old drinking buddy and all the other usual friends were there.  I live in a small town, so it is a tight knit community.  Everyone was happy to see me, and I was sipping my ginger ale and being sober.  It was quite enjoyable.  I could actually have conversations, and I noticed that I smiled and laughed a lot more.  Of course by the end of the night I totally noticed how very drunk everyone else had become.  Conversation did not work out as well at that point hehe 🙂

I spent the rest of the time relaxing, playing some tunes on the jukebox, and chatting with my favorite bar tender.

All total I only spent $5 last night.  $2 on drinks and I tipped the bar tender $3 just for the hell of it.  $5 is pretty good compared to the usual $30-$40 I would have spent at the bar in the past.

I drove back to my parents today.  I’ll be here a few days.  A mini vacation.  We are going to the baseball game tonight.  I’ll take some pics to post later.  Gotta fly!

– BST

 

After yesterdays “boring” post I kind of expected more of the same today.  I was wrong!  Today has been awesome times 10!  🙂

I’m 10 days sober now.  It’s all good.  Just let me have my sugar for now and we can call it even.  Actually, at one point during the day instead of eating some cookies I elected to chop up a nectarine.  I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had a nectarine.  It was damn good.

I’ll start with the mundane first.  Last night after writing my blog I spent a good deal of time visiting other blogs in the sober blogging realm.  I was commenting and “liking” as I went.  Read a lot of good stuff.  After that I decided it was TV time.  A friend recommended a show called “Life”.  I looked it up on my Amazon Prime account and saw that it was free.  Sweet.  I watched the first three episodes.  This is a great show!  It felt appropriate for someone in my state of alcoholic recovery.

It’s about a cop who is framed for murder and put away for life.  12 years later he is proven innocent and let out of prison.  He also gets a very large sum of money.  He goes right back to being a detective.  It’s your usual detective drama, but the main character is pretty cool.  He practices a Zen attitude, always working to be in the moment.  He also eats a lot of fruit.  I recommend it.

Moving on to today.  Day 10 has been good.  It was gorgeous out today.  One of the benefits of working second shift is that I can get out during the day.  I walked down to the lake and sat on the beach in the sun and just meditated.  It was very relaxing, and very good.  Got some sun on my skin 🙂  I’ll put up some pics of the lake at the end of the post.

It was a good day at work.  I’m starting to feel more comfortable at the new job.  That is always a nice feeling.  This job is pretty low stress and that helps a lot.

When I came home from work is when things really took off.  I noticed a lot of activity in my inbox that is tied into this blog.  I fired up WordPress and was pleasantly surprised when I saw that my daily stats had just blown up!  All that commenting and “liking” I did the night before on other blogs certainly attracted attention!

There was a comment from Paul.  He writes a blog called Message in a Bottle.  I had not seen this blog before.  I clicked on over to check it out.  Holy Shit!!!!!  Ummm, Paul has one helluva blog!  Not only was I riveted by the content in his posts, but his level of writing acumen is ridiculous!  Besides therapy, and a way to connect to the sober blogging community, I am writing this blog as a daily form of practice.  I want to get better at writing.  Paul’s blog has inspired and moved me.

What started as a blogging experiment, a shot in the dark at alternative therapy, has turned into the beginning of a journey that I already feel is changing, and will continue to change my life.  I am thankful to all the people out there writing these blogs.  I add my own story into the mix hoping that someday I can also be of help.  This will not just be therapy and writing practice for myself.  This could also be a gift to others.

Rock on!

– BST

PS.  A shout out to the Tired of Thinking About Drinking blog.  It was the first blog on sobriety that I have ever read.  It inspired me, and the very next day I started this blog.

PPS.  I found said blog because of an article on The Fix.  Here is the article.  Blogging Myself Sober.  It was written by the author of the Drunky Drunk Girl blog.  Thanx DDG for putting that article out there, you really started it all for me.

Here we are on day 9.  I have to admit.  Nothing interesting happened today LOL

I worked a little at one of my side jobs early in the day.  Then later went to my main job.  On the way home picked up one of those little containers of ice cream, and ate some of that while watching the news.

As I mentioned previously the sweet tooth is in full effect now.  I’m going to let it slide for awhile.  Later on I will have to address it.  In the long run I do wish to stick to a healthier diet.  But, for now just staying sober is job #1, so I’ll indulge in the sweets a bit.

Last night before bed I watched Jack Reacher.  It was ok for a Tom Cruise action movie.  Not one of his best, but entertaining.  Mind you, I enjoy super cheesy action movies 🙂  I’m thinking about watching either another movie tonight after posting this, or maybe dig around for a new TV series to watch.

I cancelled cable TV last month.  The only thing I have is high speed Internet.  I have an Amazon Prime account, and that is pretty much where I get all my content from.  Cancelling TV was a great decision.  I save a lot of money, and I don’t miss it at all.  The movies and TV shows on Prime keep me plenty entertained.

In yesterdays blog post I put up a picture (the dinner I ate hehe).  I’m into photography so I’ll probably start posting some more pictures in this blog along with my posts.  Keep an eye out 🙂

Oh, BTW check out my window photo that I sent to Belle for the photography assignment on her blog “Tired of Thinking About Drinking”  Photos: Window View

Another blog I have been enjoying is Drunky Drunk Girl.  She has been going through some issues with sugar lately.  I know how she feels 🙂

That’s it for tonight.  I know… boring ;-p

Take care!

– BST

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