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I’m on day 54 of the 100 day challenge!  Woot!!

To celebrate day 50 I went for a nature hike.  I explored two areas that I have not visited before.  Since I have only lived in this part of the country for two years there are plenty of things to check out that are close by.  I’ll post some pictures from the hike at the end of this post.

Nothing very exciting to report.  Day 50 was just like any other day.  Once I hit day 100 I don’t think that I will pay much attention to the accumulating sober days.  Temptation has been few and far between.  Whenever I get a little urge to drink it is usually easy to suppress.  I find that the urge comes fast, and tends to leave just about as fast.  It never seems to be a prolonged fight.

The other night.  Right around day 50 in fact, I had a crazy dream.  In the dream I was drinking and it horrified me!  When I woke up I was tremendously relieved that I indeed had not drank.  I guess I’ve done a good job of mentally conditioning myself to despise alcohol hehe.  The thought of drinking no longer is associated with warm fuzzy feelings or good times.  It’s just pure revulsion.

It’s the weekend so I am back at the lake.  Grandma went in for a routine doctor appointment yesterday and they decided to send her to the hospital.  Looks like she is going to be there for at least a few days.  Being 92 this is not unusual.  The good thing is that not all of the hospital trips are a big deal.  Some of her ailments tend to be mysterious.  The doctors just can’t figure it out.

Being here alone has led to a very nice relaxing Saturday.  I miss having Grandma around but it’s also nice to enjoy the beautiful weather by the lake and just chill.

Everything else is going well.  My diet has continued to move in a more healthier direction.  The binging on sweets is over.  I knew I would get sick of that 🙂  I’m starting to incorporate more fruit now and I am back to my normal weight.  I would like to build some muscle but I’ve never been very good at adhering to an exercise routine.

My positive attitude and good mood are also sticking around.  That’s nice!  I’m still not using my personal time to do all the things I want, but that is ok.  At least I am not drinking.  When it comes to being more responsible and motivated I am willing to give that some time.

Here of some hiking pics.  Enjoy!

– BST

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I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

Yard work was a good thing today.  It was just gorgeous out.  Sunny and 80 most of the day.  After spending half the day mowing the lawn and cleaning up the yard I was ready for a shower!  A big lunch, a hot  shower and I was ready for work.

Work was much better than last night.  I figured it would be.  Gotta bounce back baby 🙂  Working outside always makes me feel good, and tonight was nice and steady at work, but not crazy.  A good ending to the weekend.

I’m getting excited about passing the one month mark for sobriety!  I think that milestone is going to feel good.  It will strengthen the foundation.

Lately I have been writing down more notes and compiling lists.  I’ve always had a crazy imagination.  Now that I am sober it’s working better.  I have lots of ideas, but the real question is will I act on any of them.  I guess time will tell.

– BST

Day 26.  I’m past the quarter mark for the 100 day challenge!

Still going strong!  Temptations to drink have not been a problem.  The only thing I have really noticed within the last week or so is that I do feel different.  Like I’m a different person.  Now I have to take some time to get to know that person 🙂

I don’t always feel good.  I didn’t turn into a sobriety super hero by any means.  I just feel different.  I find my self doing things I usually would not have done in the past.

I have not been to the bar since that first visit a couple weeks ago.  It was fine.  I just find that I’m not hanging at the bar as much right now LOL 🙂  Last night after work I was thinking that I would stop in again.  I got home from work and chilled for a bit, and then went out for a late night walk.  I did a loop around one part of town, and then came back around towards the bar.  I saw some drunk people around main street.  I could hear unruly sounding drunk people from the bar as I approached.  This was right around midnight and things in town were hoppin.

I stopped.  Thought about things a little bit.  Stared up at the moon a little bit.  Aaaaaaand, just kept on walking hehe 🙂  The bar sounded annoying as hell!!!  I just didn’t want to deal with it.  I took a longer loop walk around the other side of town instead.  It was a beautiful night out.

Randomly walking around in the middle of the night is something I would have done when I was 18.  It felt funny doing it.  I saw the town from a different perspective.  Then I rolled up on the canning plant.  This place is huge.  During the summer it runs 24/7.  I looked up at a giant conveyer belt that was dumping green beans.  Like some weirdo I just stood there on the curb after midnight staring at green beans falling through the air.  After a few minutes of this I had attracted the attention of a few workers inside so I decided to move on 🙂

I felt kinda good when I went to bed last night.  I guess walking was more relaxing than the bar idea 🙂

We’ll see what Saturday night brings!

– BST

Here is a not very good picture of the bean plant.  This is just one building.  The whole place is huge.

Put Tuesday in the books!

Another day.  Another experience being sober.

When I quit drinking I had this vision that everything would fall into place.  That I would turn into a super man who would suddenly accomplish all those things that I never bothered while drinking.  Things are certainly going better than before.  I need to keep reminding myself that all the time.

I’m still lazy.  I don’t get done all the things that I want.  I have times when my brain decides it’s not going to fully function.  Sometimes when I evaluate my actions I wonder if drinking was really that much of a problem.  Then I start to think back, and the stark reality hits me in the face like a blast of freezing air.  I’m afraid.  When I think about drinking it actually puts the fear of God into me.  I guess that is a good thing.  My response to drinking has become the same as someone who is deathly allergic to something.  My Mom cannot eat shellfish.  If she does it could kill her.  She has to accept the fact that she will never eat a shrimp again for the rest of her life.  But she does accept it.  Because she has to.  She has no choice.

This is how I see alcohol.  A deadly poison.  There is no middle of the road.  There is no “maybe just a little” or “I can manage it”.  Whenever alcohol related thoughts enter my mind I quickly associate them with feelings and mental images of death.  Sobriety is a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute experience, but in the back of my head I have a cornerstone.  A foundation.  This foundation is what everything else in my life will be built upon.  That foundation is the idea that I will never consume alcohol again (unless by accident or some freak shit).

I may still be kinda lazy.  I might not be meeting my personal expectations.  My sober mind might not always be as sharp as I think it should be.  But, as long as my foundation is in place I can continue to work on these other aspects of my life and improve them.

I can play chess and math games.  I can practice the harmonica.  I can study Spanish.  These are all activities that should enhance my mental faculties.

I’m a believer that the human body can heal and grow at any age.  My brain and liver may have taken a beating, but I truly believe that with a healthy lifestyle I can heal my body.  I don’t expect perfection.  But, I don’t think that what was once lost cannot be attained again.

Remember to take some deep breaths once and awhile.  Take a real deep one right now 🙂  It will make you feel good.  Maybe not super man.  But good.

– BST

Day 21!! Woot!  Woot!

Still going strong!  🙂  Looking forward to day 25 just around the corner.  Those hundred days are going to be here soon.

I’m  still eating more sweets than I normally would, but in the past few days I finally started to dial it back.  Yesterday I weighed myself and was stunned to see that I had put on weight.  This is unusual for me.  I’ve been around 155-159 lbs for AGES.  Yesterday I was 170.  That might be the most I have ever weighed!!  Just from about two weeks of loading up on sweets and sugar stuff.

It’s ok.  My exercise program is at least attempting to resurrect itself, and I know that I can’t munch on the sweets for long.  I get sick of them, and start to get cravings for healthy stuff again.

I’ve been at the lake for three days.  Early tomorrow I’ll head back home to the apartment.  I have the next few days off and the weather is supposed to be gorgeous.  I need to figure out some fun out door things to do!  Swimming, hiking, taking the bike out, or visiting a nearby town that I have not been to before.  Lots of options to consider.

Maybe I’ll get some pictures in as well 🙂

Night!

– BST

The weather decided to cooperate and I got out for a great walk today.  Took tons of pics.  I’ll post a gallery at the end of this post.

I went to a park along the river, and then walked up into downtown.  Stopped for some excellent coffee while downtown.  Now that I live in the country it’s fun to sit on a busy corner sipping coffee and watching the hustle and bustle of the city go by.  Ended up being a fairly long walk.  I think I got my exercise in today 🙂

Went back home for dinner, and then decided to go see a movie at the mall.  I went with “Pacific Rim”.  I expected giant robots beating the shit out of huge monsters.  I got exactly what I expected 🙂  Walked around the mall a little bit.  Things look good.  Far fewer empty stores compared to just a few years ago.

Tomorrow I head back home.  As much as I love the city, I just know that it will be nice when I get back out into the country.  When you leave the city behind, and cross into those wide open spaces, it seems like your heart rate goes down a few notches.  Then, when I round the corner into my small town I always get that “I’m Home” feeling.  But, I’m happy that the city is close for those times I do want it hehe 🙂

I’ll put up a gallery of the pictures from the walk in this post.  Then I’ll put up another post with a gallery of some mall pics.

– BST

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