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I’m on day 54 of the 100 day challenge!  Woot!!

To celebrate day 50 I went for a nature hike.  I explored two areas that I have not visited before.  Since I have only lived in this part of the country for two years there are plenty of things to check out that are close by.  I’ll post some pictures from the hike at the end of this post.

Nothing very exciting to report.  Day 50 was just like any other day.  Once I hit day 100 I don’t think that I will pay much attention to the accumulating sober days.  Temptation has been few and far between.  Whenever I get a little urge to drink it is usually easy to suppress.  I find that the urge comes fast, and tends to leave just about as fast.  It never seems to be a prolonged fight.

The other night.  Right around day 50 in fact, I had a crazy dream.  In the dream I was drinking and it horrified me!  When I woke up I was tremendously relieved that I indeed had not drank.  I guess I’ve done a good job of mentally conditioning myself to despise alcohol hehe.  The thought of drinking no longer is associated with warm fuzzy feelings or good times.  It’s just pure revulsion.

It’s the weekend so I am back at the lake.  Grandma went in for a routine doctor appointment yesterday and they decided to send her to the hospital.  Looks like she is going to be there for at least a few days.  Being 92 this is not unusual.  The good thing is that not all of the hospital trips are a big deal.  Some of her ailments tend to be mysterious.  The doctors just can’t figure it out.

Being here alone has led to a very nice relaxing Saturday.  I miss having Grandma around but it’s also nice to enjoy the beautiful weather by the lake and just chill.

Everything else is going well.  My diet has continued to move in a more healthier direction.  The binging on sweets is over.  I knew I would get sick of that 🙂  I’m starting to incorporate more fruit now and I am back to my normal weight.  I would like to build some muscle but I’ve never been very good at adhering to an exercise routine.

My positive attitude and good mood are also sticking around.  That’s nice!  I’m still not using my personal time to do all the things I want, but that is ok.  At least I am not drinking.  When it comes to being more responsible and motivated I am willing to give that some time.

Here of some hiking pics.  Enjoy!

– BST

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Ok, so I am not on the super positive high I was on yesterday, hehe 🙂  I finally floated back down to the surface of the Earth sometime this morning LOL.  Still, I’m in a great mood, relatively.

I decided that with this post I would flesh in a little bit more info about my daily life.  I know that being an anonymous blog I keep things pretty vague, but sometimes that might be a bit confusing so I figured that I should explain at least a few things.

You may have noticed in previous posts that I keep mentioning “going to the lake”.  This refers to my Grandmothers house.  Here is the deal.  I’m a city boy.  Lived there my whole life.  My Grandmother lives by a very small town out in the country about an hour and a half away.  She lives in a nice house on a great point of land on a beautiful lake.  This is the house her and Grandpa retired in.

Now she is 92 years old and still living at home alone.  We always came over to visit at least a few times a year.  Starting a few years back I began to visit more often.  I was coming up once or twice a month to help her out with things.  Since I was the only one in the family who never got married and had kids I had the flexibility to do this.

Two years ago I made a big decision.  I left everything behind in the cities and moved out into the country to live with Grandma.  Within a few months of that I was working again and moved into my own apartment in another small town that is just 12 miles away from Grandmas place.

I just got a new job about two months ago and it happens to be in the town by my Grandma.  So now I am driving over to her neck of the woods 5 days or more a week.  Monday and Tuesday are my days off.  The new routine that is starting to develop is that I stay at my apartment during the week and then spend a 3 day weekend with Grandma so it saves gas cutting out 3 trips back to my town.  Plus, I’m spending much more time with Grandma now.

This works great for her as well.  Now that I am coming over every week and spending multiple days at a time I can help her out a lot.  We go shopping, I help around the house and yard.  All that kind of stuff.  And of course we have our time just hanging out.

So, in previous posts when I made mention of going to the lake, or being at the lake, I’m talking about when I am staying at Grandmas.  She does not have Internet so I tether my cell phone to my laptop.  It’s not the best connection, but it is good enough to blog while I am at the lake.  That works because the blog really is the only thing where I need the laptop because I am typing so much.  Most everything else I just do from my phone.  Facebook, email etc.

This current arrangement has been great when you add sobriety in the mix.  I’m obviously much more useful and mindful with my Grandma  🙂  I also enjoy the serene environment here at the lake.

In the 90’s before my drinking crushed most everything I was high flying with the tech boom.  I mostly did Web site development and some other Web related programming and database work.  I did a lot of freelance work because I also produced the graphic designs and layout which allowed me to be sort of a one man show.  As one of my hobbies I pursue photography.

This is why the sober blogging community and the idea of starting my own blog appealed to me on so many levels.  I’m an Internet techno super geek.  It’s just that alcohol shattered all those pursuits, and only now am I starting to pick up the pieces.  Where the fuck did the last decade go?  Sheeeesh.

This blog has been a great start, but now it is time for me to really shake off the rust and re-train myself on the current development languages.  It’s also time for me to fire up my graphic editing programs and start practicing that too.  I plan on getting back into Web development in a big way.  I’m going to start at least one other blog along these lines.  I’m also interested in moving into such areas as Android app development and tying my photography and graphic work into all of it.

Writing is another area of interest for me so the blog was a platform I could use for practice.  As I expand in this area I am sure I will be writing more outside of just this blog.

So there you have it.  Just a little background that I thought would help shed some light on what the hell I’m talking about in my blog some days 😉

P.S.  The massive sugar cravings that consumed me for a few weeks seem to have abated.  I’m eating fairly normal again and already lost the 10 pounds I gained.  That’s a good feeling.

P.P.S.  The Loons are calling outside.  I love the haunting sound of their call.

– BST

So I told you all how I had a pretty good day yesterday.  Today was even better!  In fact, I feel like I just walked right out of my old life and into a new one.  Things are changing baby!

I took care of some more errands early today.  Then I went for another nice walk.  By the time I rolled into work I was on another planet.  Through little baby steps I have already accomplished more in the past two days than I would usually do in weeks.  My motivation is spiking.  My mood is awesome.  I want to keep this up.

Now it is time to move beyond just baby steps and start leaping, jumping, running and grabbing that brass fucking ring that I’ve been scared of my whole life.

Time to brush the dust off some of those grand plans that I have stashed away.  I already know that the typical life is not for me.  I already know that I do not fit into the machine the way the controllers would like.  It’s time to start using that to my advantage, rather than allowing it to be an obstruction.

Some of the work I do will never make it into the pages of this blog.  Because this blog is my anonymous therapy blog I probably won’t get into a lot of detail about my business plans.  I will be starting some other blogs as part of these projects, but that will be in my other life, not this anonymous one.  If things go well I will let you all know of course 🙂

I’m still in love with LDR “Summertime Sadness” but the new Katy Perry song “Roar” has jumped to the top of my playlist this week and it is becoming my new personal theme song.

Katy Perry has a few songs that I find to be inspirational, but her new one is seriously off the chain.  Here is a link below to the video on YouTube.  Now, the video is a bit cheesy.  It’s fun to watch but I recommend listening to the song without watching the video so that you can focus on the lyrics and let the power of her voice feed your passion and inspire you like it did me.

Katy Perry “Roar”

– BST

 

I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

Put Tuesday in the books!

Another day.  Another experience being sober.

When I quit drinking I had this vision that everything would fall into place.  That I would turn into a super man who would suddenly accomplish all those things that I never bothered while drinking.  Things are certainly going better than before.  I need to keep reminding myself that all the time.

I’m still lazy.  I don’t get done all the things that I want.  I have times when my brain decides it’s not going to fully function.  Sometimes when I evaluate my actions I wonder if drinking was really that much of a problem.  Then I start to think back, and the stark reality hits me in the face like a blast of freezing air.  I’m afraid.  When I think about drinking it actually puts the fear of God into me.  I guess that is a good thing.  My response to drinking has become the same as someone who is deathly allergic to something.  My Mom cannot eat shellfish.  If she does it could kill her.  She has to accept the fact that she will never eat a shrimp again for the rest of her life.  But she does accept it.  Because she has to.  She has no choice.

This is how I see alcohol.  A deadly poison.  There is no middle of the road.  There is no “maybe just a little” or “I can manage it”.  Whenever alcohol related thoughts enter my mind I quickly associate them with feelings and mental images of death.  Sobriety is a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute experience, but in the back of my head I have a cornerstone.  A foundation.  This foundation is what everything else in my life will be built upon.  That foundation is the idea that I will never consume alcohol again (unless by accident or some freak shit).

I may still be kinda lazy.  I might not be meeting my personal expectations.  My sober mind might not always be as sharp as I think it should be.  But, as long as my foundation is in place I can continue to work on these other aspects of my life and improve them.

I can play chess and math games.  I can practice the harmonica.  I can study Spanish.  These are all activities that should enhance my mental faculties.

I’m a believer that the human body can heal and grow at any age.  My brain and liver may have taken a beating, but I truly believe that with a healthy lifestyle I can heal my body.  I don’t expect perfection.  But, I don’t think that what was once lost cannot be attained again.

Remember to take some deep breaths once and awhile.  Take a real deep one right now 🙂  It will make you feel good.  Maybe not super man.  But good.

– BST

I’m back at the lake for a few days.  I figured out how to tether my phone to the laptop so now instead of writing blog posts from my phone I am able to get my laptop online.  It’s been a few years since I have played around with phone tethering.  I’m still using the same program.  PDA.net.  It’s a great app/program combo for tethering.  The connection speed and latency seem a lot better than last time I experimented with this.  This is decent.  Well, that is awesome.  Now I have dependable Internet and computer resources I can use while at the lake.  Nice!  🙂

Had a decent night at work.  Seems like everything just goes by in a blur lately.  I swear, the moment I hit 40 it was like someone put the time stream on fast forward.  Sometimes it is a bit alarming.  Seeing your life fly by.  I use that feeling to try and appreciate the present moment as much as I can.  When life is cruising by, you need to spend time focusing on those little moments.

I continued to indulge in sweets this week.  Chocolate bars, cookies and peanut butter seem to have risen to the top.  I’m already looking over my shoulder with the sugar thing.  I know the day will come in which I will have to atone for my  sugary sins.  The excess cookies and shit make me feel kinda gunky and unhealthy.  For now, I’m still 100% focused on sobriety from alcohol, but within the next few weeks to a month I think some dietary changes may need to go into effect.

I better get to bed.  Night!

– BST

Another weekend is here!  Already!  🙂  Time just seems to fly.

Today is day 19 of sobriety.  I’m looking forward to day 25 of the 100 day challenge!

I could not think of much to write about the past couple days.  Maybe I will have to branch out a bit and muse on other things besides just the daily journey of sobriety.

Weather has been beautiful here all week.  Heading back to the lake for 3 days.  This time I’m going to bring the laptop and see if I can tether my cell phone to it for Internet access.  Then I can type some more posts from the laptop rather than my phone.

Everyone have a great weekend!

– BST

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