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I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

Yesterday was the big exciting day.  Hit up downtown.  Check out the city.  Then going to the baseball game.  It was a full day.

Today was totally chill 🙂  I spent almost half the day teaching my Mom how to use Pinterest LOL.  Then visited a few friends in the evening.  Nothing big.  Just kind of a nice low key Sunday.

I’ll be here another day or two.  If the weather cooperates I’ll go out and shoot some pictures.  I may even venture forth to the Mall of America.  I’m one of those weirdos that actually likes malls 🙂  Especially big ones!  I enjoy people watching, and I can window shop for hours.  I even relish the crowd.  The MOA also has one of my favorite movie theaters.  It is for one simple reason.  As far as I can tell they crank their volume more than any other theater in the metro area.

I got my monthly dose of White Castle tonight.  Now it’s time for tunes, sliding into sleepy time.

Peace

– BST

Here we are on day 9.  I have to admit.  Nothing interesting happened today LOL

I worked a little at one of my side jobs early in the day.  Then later went to my main job.  On the way home picked up one of those little containers of ice cream, and ate some of that while watching the news.

As I mentioned previously the sweet tooth is in full effect now.  I’m going to let it slide for awhile.  Later on I will have to address it.  In the long run I do wish to stick to a healthier diet.  But, for now just staying sober is job #1, so I’ll indulge in the sweets a bit.

Last night before bed I watched Jack Reacher.  It was ok for a Tom Cruise action movie.  Not one of his best, but entertaining.  Mind you, I enjoy super cheesy action movies 🙂  I’m thinking about watching either another movie tonight after posting this, or maybe dig around for a new TV series to watch.

I cancelled cable TV last month.  The only thing I have is high speed Internet.  I have an Amazon Prime account, and that is pretty much where I get all my content from.  Cancelling TV was a great decision.  I save a lot of money, and I don’t miss it at all.  The movies and TV shows on Prime keep me plenty entertained.

In yesterdays blog post I put up a picture (the dinner I ate hehe).  I’m into photography so I’ll probably start posting some more pictures in this blog along with my posts.  Keep an eye out 🙂

Oh, BTW check out my window photo that I sent to Belle for the photography assignment on her blog “Tired of Thinking About Drinking”  Photos: Window View

Another blog I have been enjoying is Drunky Drunk Girl.  She has been going through some issues with sugar lately.  I know how she feels 🙂

That’s it for tonight.  I know… boring ;-p

Take care!

– BST

It was my second day off today.  Although, it was not completely a day off because one of my other side jobs needed attention, and I picked up some hours there earlier in the day.

After that something happened that I knew was inevitable since the first day I went sober.  Cleaning binge!!!  Cleaned the whole place and did the laundry.  For some reason I didn’t finish until after midnight.  Whew.  It will be nice waking up to a clean space tomorrow.  I also did some minor re-decorating 🙂

Oh, and I also cooked a major dinner!  It seems that when you go sober cooking is almost always one of the areas that improve and expand.  When sober I tend to prepare and cook food more often than eating out.  I made some chicken tonight.  I’ll post a pic of it at the end of the blog.

My muscles are feeling it a bit today.  Not just from cleaning.  I went for a serious walk yesterday.  Then yesterday evening I finally began my old exercise routines which I have ignored for about a year or so.  I did them again today.

I guess things are going well 🙂  I still harbor a fear inside me that I’ll slip and fall, but the fear is a little bit less each day.

I’m experimenting with different drink alternatives for when I get bored with water.  I purchased a bottle of Perrier with lime flavor.  I like it!  Then I opened a bottle of Welch’s sparkling red grape drink.  I had that with dinner.  At first sip I thought it was pretty awesome.  It has a LOT of flavor.  I don’t think it’s very healthy LOL.  It’s loaded with sugar.  By the time I got half way through the glass I poured it was almost too sweet to finish.  Not sure what I think about that.  Maybe if I mix it with something else.

Speaking of sweet.  The sugar cravings have fully kicked in.  I’ve noticed this before when I stopped drinking.  Keeping chocolate bars in the place is now mandatory.  I ate a blueberry muffin earlier in the day.  Later I purchased 12 chocolate chip cookies which I have not sampled yet (now that I type this I think I’m gonna have to have one hehe).

Overall just a pretty normal day I guess.  The “new normal” that is 😉

– BST

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