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I’m on day 54 of the 100 day challenge!  Woot!!

To celebrate day 50 I went for a nature hike.  I explored two areas that I have not visited before.  Since I have only lived in this part of the country for two years there are plenty of things to check out that are close by.  I’ll post some pictures from the hike at the end of this post.

Nothing very exciting to report.  Day 50 was just like any other day.  Once I hit day 100 I don’t think that I will pay much attention to the accumulating sober days.  Temptation has been few and far between.  Whenever I get a little urge to drink it is usually easy to suppress.  I find that the urge comes fast, and tends to leave just about as fast.  It never seems to be a prolonged fight.

The other night.  Right around day 50 in fact, I had a crazy dream.  In the dream I was drinking and it horrified me!  When I woke up I was tremendously relieved that I indeed had not drank.  I guess I’ve done a good job of mentally conditioning myself to despise alcohol hehe.  The thought of drinking no longer is associated with warm fuzzy feelings or good times.  It’s just pure revulsion.

It’s the weekend so I am back at the lake.  Grandma went in for a routine doctor appointment yesterday and they decided to send her to the hospital.  Looks like she is going to be there for at least a few days.  Being 92 this is not unusual.  The good thing is that not all of the hospital trips are a big deal.  Some of her ailments tend to be mysterious.  The doctors just can’t figure it out.

Being here alone has led to a very nice relaxing Saturday.  I miss having Grandma around but it’s also nice to enjoy the beautiful weather by the lake and just chill.

Everything else is going well.  My diet has continued to move in a more healthier direction.  The binging on sweets is over.  I knew I would get sick of that 🙂  I’m starting to incorporate more fruit now and I am back to my normal weight.  I would like to build some muscle but I’ve never been very good at adhering to an exercise routine.

My positive attitude and good mood are also sticking around.  That’s nice!  I’m still not using my personal time to do all the things I want, but that is ok.  At least I am not drinking.  When it comes to being more responsible and motivated I am willing to give that some time.

Here of some hiking pics.  Enjoy!

– BST

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That’s it for the weekend!  The ending to a great week.

It might have started off as a fairly ordinary week in my new sober life, but it has culminated into something else.  What that something else is I am not sure yet.  It will probably take some time to figure that out.  But I know that I feel great and I expect greatness from myself.

Monday and Tuesday are my days off.  Tomorrow I will leave the lake and head back to my apartment, and my high speed internet 🙂  That means I can spend some time working on new project ideas and exploring some of the blogs in the sober blogosphere.

Tuesday will be day 50 of abstinence from alcohol.  I’m stoked about this.  This is much longer than I have ever been able to go before.  It just feels like I’m going to keep on going.  Heck, the plan is to go the rest of my life.  I have removed alcohol from the picture and have no intention to ever include it back in.

Besides the usual stuff on my days off I’m thinking maybe I should do something special to celebrate day 50.  Not sure what yet.  My first thought is to go for a drive.  There is a town a few hours north of where I live that I have been meaning to check out.  It’s supposed to be pretty cool.  I’ll have to mull this one over.  Not sure what I will do yet.

With the approach of day 50 and my burgeoning good mood it feels like I’m in new beginning type territory.  I would like to think that July 23rd was the first day of the rest of my life.  (I call July 23rd S-Day).  Now it seems that life is knocking on the door and ready for some excitement, fun and some good old fashioned work as well.

Hello life!  Nice to meet you!  I apologize for keeping you hidden behind that veil of alcohol for so long.  Let me make it up to you.  Here, have a cool glass of iced tea.  I suggest you take a deep breath…  A very deep breath…  Good.  That is a beginning.

– BST

Ok, so I am not on the super positive high I was on yesterday, hehe 🙂  I finally floated back down to the surface of the Earth sometime this morning LOL.  Still, I’m in a great mood, relatively.

I decided that with this post I would flesh in a little bit more info about my daily life.  I know that being an anonymous blog I keep things pretty vague, but sometimes that might be a bit confusing so I figured that I should explain at least a few things.

You may have noticed in previous posts that I keep mentioning “going to the lake”.  This refers to my Grandmothers house.  Here is the deal.  I’m a city boy.  Lived there my whole life.  My Grandmother lives by a very small town out in the country about an hour and a half away.  She lives in a nice house on a great point of land on a beautiful lake.  This is the house her and Grandpa retired in.

Now she is 92 years old and still living at home alone.  We always came over to visit at least a few times a year.  Starting a few years back I began to visit more often.  I was coming up once or twice a month to help her out with things.  Since I was the only one in the family who never got married and had kids I had the flexibility to do this.

Two years ago I made a big decision.  I left everything behind in the cities and moved out into the country to live with Grandma.  Within a few months of that I was working again and moved into my own apartment in another small town that is just 12 miles away from Grandmas place.

I just got a new job about two months ago and it happens to be in the town by my Grandma.  So now I am driving over to her neck of the woods 5 days or more a week.  Monday and Tuesday are my days off.  The new routine that is starting to develop is that I stay at my apartment during the week and then spend a 3 day weekend with Grandma so it saves gas cutting out 3 trips back to my town.  Plus, I’m spending much more time with Grandma now.

This works great for her as well.  Now that I am coming over every week and spending multiple days at a time I can help her out a lot.  We go shopping, I help around the house and yard.  All that kind of stuff.  And of course we have our time just hanging out.

So, in previous posts when I made mention of going to the lake, or being at the lake, I’m talking about when I am staying at Grandmas.  She does not have Internet so I tether my cell phone to my laptop.  It’s not the best connection, but it is good enough to blog while I am at the lake.  That works because the blog really is the only thing where I need the laptop because I am typing so much.  Most everything else I just do from my phone.  Facebook, email etc.

This current arrangement has been great when you add sobriety in the mix.  I’m obviously much more useful and mindful with my Grandma  🙂  I also enjoy the serene environment here at the lake.

In the 90’s before my drinking crushed most everything I was high flying with the tech boom.  I mostly did Web site development and some other Web related programming and database work.  I did a lot of freelance work because I also produced the graphic designs and layout which allowed me to be sort of a one man show.  As one of my hobbies I pursue photography.

This is why the sober blogging community and the idea of starting my own blog appealed to me on so many levels.  I’m an Internet techno super geek.  It’s just that alcohol shattered all those pursuits, and only now am I starting to pick up the pieces.  Where the fuck did the last decade go?  Sheeeesh.

This blog has been a great start, but now it is time for me to really shake off the rust and re-train myself on the current development languages.  It’s also time for me to fire up my graphic editing programs and start practicing that too.  I plan on getting back into Web development in a big way.  I’m going to start at least one other blog along these lines.  I’m also interested in moving into such areas as Android app development and tying my photography and graphic work into all of it.

Writing is another area of interest for me so the blog was a platform I could use for practice.  As I expand in this area I am sure I will be writing more outside of just this blog.

So there you have it.  Just a little background that I thought would help shed some light on what the hell I’m talking about in my blog some days 😉

P.S.  The massive sugar cravings that consumed me for a few weeks seem to have abated.  I’m eating fairly normal again and already lost the 10 pounds I gained.  That’s a good feeling.

P.P.S.  The Loons are calling outside.  I love the haunting sound of their call.

– BST

So I told you all how I had a pretty good day yesterday.  Today was even better!  In fact, I feel like I just walked right out of my old life and into a new one.  Things are changing baby!

I took care of some more errands early today.  Then I went for another nice walk.  By the time I rolled into work I was on another planet.  Through little baby steps I have already accomplished more in the past two days than I would usually do in weeks.  My motivation is spiking.  My mood is awesome.  I want to keep this up.

Now it is time to move beyond just baby steps and start leaping, jumping, running and grabbing that brass fucking ring that I’ve been scared of my whole life.

Time to brush the dust off some of those grand plans that I have stashed away.  I already know that the typical life is not for me.  I already know that I do not fit into the machine the way the controllers would like.  It’s time to start using that to my advantage, rather than allowing it to be an obstruction.

Some of the work I do will never make it into the pages of this blog.  Because this blog is my anonymous therapy blog I probably won’t get into a lot of detail about my business plans.  I will be starting some other blogs as part of these projects, but that will be in my other life, not this anonymous one.  If things go well I will let you all know of course 🙂

I’m still in love with LDR “Summertime Sadness” but the new Katy Perry song “Roar” has jumped to the top of my playlist this week and it is becoming my new personal theme song.

Katy Perry has a few songs that I find to be inspirational, but her new one is seriously off the chain.  Here is a link below to the video on YouTube.  Now, the video is a bit cheesy.  It’s fun to watch but I recommend listening to the song without watching the video so that you can focus on the lyrics and let the power of her voice feed your passion and inspire you like it did me.

Katy Perry “Roar”

– BST

 

Yesterday I had a good day.  It was nice to have a good day because over the past few weeks they had been few and far between.  Finally, yesterday it changed.  I started the day with a nice walk outside and then took care of some errands before I went to work.

Work was fine, it usually is.  It’s my personal time that is always the issue.  That is when I struggle with motivation.  The simple fact that I took care of some of the errands made a big difference.  I also think that the beginning of the day walk is a very good thing.  I might have to try and do that more.

I get done with work late in the evening and I’ve been starting to hang out at the bar across the street  more often.  I live in a small town and it’s really the only place I can socialize.  Being in the bar does not seem to be an issue in terms of temptation so it’s been ok.  I just drink my Ginger Ale.

What I have been doing is beginning to experiment and practice normal socializing skills.  I realize now that when I was drinking I actually did not socialize very much.  I knew who most of the other locals were who hung out there every night, but I never sat down and talked with them face to face.  Now I am purposely forcing myself to talk with everyone there.

This is different for me.  I’ve never been outgoing.  I can tell that it is already working.  Instead of just being a lump sitting on a stool I am now an integral part of the “regulars”.  People don’t just know my name now.  They really know who I am.  It’s been fun!  And then when a stranger comes into the bar I enjoy going over, introducing myself, and getting to know them.  That is soooo not like the old me 🙂

So, a lot of things are going well.  I’m not drinking.  I’ve been interacting more socially instead of hiding, and I feel good about what I’m doing.

The only area I need to keep working hard on is achieving my personal goals.  This is where motivation and using my spare time come into play.  This area is still difficult.  I have dreams of all these tasks I wish to work on during my non work time and I rarely seem to dig into them.  I’m going to start easy and just try to work on something small each day to get me into the groove.  Just like yesterday when I took care of a few simple tasks and my whole day was better.

Time to wrap up this post.  I’m going to go out for a walk.  Later I will head back down to the lake for the weekend.  Most likely I will be staying at the lake almost every weekend now.  It’s close to my job so I save a couple trips back into town.

– BST

I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

I’ve been slacking on the blog!  My last entry was Saturday during the festival.

Well, the rest of the festival went fine.  It was sort of a coming out party for me.  Almost everyone is aware now that I am not drinking.  Overall, I would say that I am happy with how it all went.  It can be depressing to be around so many drunk people, but I managed to enjoy myself.

Some of my friends are struggling a bit with my decision.  I have not had a drop of alcohol in over a month, and I noticed that some people are starting to evaluate their own drinking habits.  This evaluation seems to lead to the conclusion that they are drinking too much.  Then they get all depressed and ask me my opinion on their drinking.  I don’t want to advise them on their drinking habits.  I don’t want to go around telling everyone that they should stop drinking.  And then after all that I feel depressed!!  Sheeesh!

The past two weeks have been difficult.  The shiny newness of sobriety wore off and regular old life just kept grinding on.  Sometimes I feel like shit.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything with my life.  Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I’m not drinking because everything else in my life is still the same as it was before!

I know that I am prone to depression so this is expected.  I think that being 40 might have something to do with it as well.  We got ourselves a good ole fucking fashioned mid life crisis going on here methinks! ;-p

My head goes down that rabbit hole I don’t know how many times a day.  Then I stop and think… think…think…think.  Ya know, I do have a lot more money in my bank account this month.  I have a job.  I have people who care about me.  I have my apartment and I love where I live.  I’m staying sober.  No matter how many things I feel down about not accomplishing I can point to sobriety and say “HEY!” this is an accomplishment sitting over here.

I have a lot to work on, but I’m lazy.  What is the cure for that?  There is something deeper here.  Drinking was not the cause of all my problems.  It was a symptom.  Getting rid of drinking is good.  I can honestly look at that and believe 100% in my mind that abstaining from alcohol is a good thing for me.  It just didn’t miraculously solve all my other issues 🙂

Thank God the full moon is well past us now.  I think that my depression gets worse around the full moon.  I’m not sure about that though.  Just a weird thought.

Today felt a little better.  The fact that I decided to write after work tonight is a good sign.

There has been a song playing a lot on the radio the past few weeks and it has been the perfect soundtrack to my mood.  It’s called “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey.  I guess the album came out last year but I just started hearing the song recently.  It’s a beautiful song.  I love it.

Check it out.   Summertime Sadness

– BST

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