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That’s it for the weekend!  The ending to a great week.

It might have started off as a fairly ordinary week in my new sober life, but it has culminated into something else.  What that something else is I am not sure yet.  It will probably take some time to figure that out.  But I know that I feel great and I expect greatness from myself.

Monday and Tuesday are my days off.  Tomorrow I will leave the lake and head back to my apartment, and my high speed internet 🙂  That means I can spend some time working on new project ideas and exploring some of the blogs in the sober blogosphere.

Tuesday will be day 50 of abstinence from alcohol.  I’m stoked about this.  This is much longer than I have ever been able to go before.  It just feels like I’m going to keep on going.  Heck, the plan is to go the rest of my life.  I have removed alcohol from the picture and have no intention to ever include it back in.

Besides the usual stuff on my days off I’m thinking maybe I should do something special to celebrate day 50.  Not sure what yet.  My first thought is to go for a drive.  There is a town a few hours north of where I live that I have been meaning to check out.  It’s supposed to be pretty cool.  I’ll have to mull this one over.  Not sure what I will do yet.

With the approach of day 50 and my burgeoning good mood it feels like I’m in new beginning type territory.  I would like to think that July 23rd was the first day of the rest of my life.  (I call July 23rd S-Day).  Now it seems that life is knocking on the door and ready for some excitement, fun and some good old fashioned work as well.

Hello life!  Nice to meet you!  I apologize for keeping you hidden behind that veil of alcohol for so long.  Let me make it up to you.  Here, have a cool glass of iced tea.  I suggest you take a deep breath…  A very deep breath…  Good.  That is a beginning.

– BST

Ok, so I am not on the super positive high I was on yesterday, hehe 🙂  I finally floated back down to the surface of the Earth sometime this morning LOL.  Still, I’m in a great mood, relatively.

I decided that with this post I would flesh in a little bit more info about my daily life.  I know that being an anonymous blog I keep things pretty vague, but sometimes that might be a bit confusing so I figured that I should explain at least a few things.

You may have noticed in previous posts that I keep mentioning “going to the lake”.  This refers to my Grandmothers house.  Here is the deal.  I’m a city boy.  Lived there my whole life.  My Grandmother lives by a very small town out in the country about an hour and a half away.  She lives in a nice house on a great point of land on a beautiful lake.  This is the house her and Grandpa retired in.

Now she is 92 years old and still living at home alone.  We always came over to visit at least a few times a year.  Starting a few years back I began to visit more often.  I was coming up once or twice a month to help her out with things.  Since I was the only one in the family who never got married and had kids I had the flexibility to do this.

Two years ago I made a big decision.  I left everything behind in the cities and moved out into the country to live with Grandma.  Within a few months of that I was working again and moved into my own apartment in another small town that is just 12 miles away from Grandmas place.

I just got a new job about two months ago and it happens to be in the town by my Grandma.  So now I am driving over to her neck of the woods 5 days or more a week.  Monday and Tuesday are my days off.  The new routine that is starting to develop is that I stay at my apartment during the week and then spend a 3 day weekend with Grandma so it saves gas cutting out 3 trips back to my town.  Plus, I’m spending much more time with Grandma now.

This works great for her as well.  Now that I am coming over every week and spending multiple days at a time I can help her out a lot.  We go shopping, I help around the house and yard.  All that kind of stuff.  And of course we have our time just hanging out.

So, in previous posts when I made mention of going to the lake, or being at the lake, I’m talking about when I am staying at Grandmas.  She does not have Internet so I tether my cell phone to my laptop.  It’s not the best connection, but it is good enough to blog while I am at the lake.  That works because the blog really is the only thing where I need the laptop because I am typing so much.  Most everything else I just do from my phone.  Facebook, email etc.

This current arrangement has been great when you add sobriety in the mix.  I’m obviously much more useful and mindful with my Grandma  🙂  I also enjoy the serene environment here at the lake.

In the 90’s before my drinking crushed most everything I was high flying with the tech boom.  I mostly did Web site development and some other Web related programming and database work.  I did a lot of freelance work because I also produced the graphic designs and layout which allowed me to be sort of a one man show.  As one of my hobbies I pursue photography.

This is why the sober blogging community and the idea of starting my own blog appealed to me on so many levels.  I’m an Internet techno super geek.  It’s just that alcohol shattered all those pursuits, and only now am I starting to pick up the pieces.  Where the fuck did the last decade go?  Sheeeesh.

This blog has been a great start, but now it is time for me to really shake off the rust and re-train myself on the current development languages.  It’s also time for me to fire up my graphic editing programs and start practicing that too.  I plan on getting back into Web development in a big way.  I’m going to start at least one other blog along these lines.  I’m also interested in moving into such areas as Android app development and tying my photography and graphic work into all of it.

Writing is another area of interest for me so the blog was a platform I could use for practice.  As I expand in this area I am sure I will be writing more outside of just this blog.

So there you have it.  Just a little background that I thought would help shed some light on what the hell I’m talking about in my blog some days 😉

P.S.  The massive sugar cravings that consumed me for a few weeks seem to have abated.  I’m eating fairly normal again and already lost the 10 pounds I gained.  That’s a good feeling.

P.P.S.  The Loons are calling outside.  I love the haunting sound of their call.

– BST

So I told you all how I had a pretty good day yesterday.  Today was even better!  In fact, I feel like I just walked right out of my old life and into a new one.  Things are changing baby!

I took care of some more errands early today.  Then I went for another nice walk.  By the time I rolled into work I was on another planet.  Through little baby steps I have already accomplished more in the past two days than I would usually do in weeks.  My motivation is spiking.  My mood is awesome.  I want to keep this up.

Now it is time to move beyond just baby steps and start leaping, jumping, running and grabbing that brass fucking ring that I’ve been scared of my whole life.

Time to brush the dust off some of those grand plans that I have stashed away.  I already know that the typical life is not for me.  I already know that I do not fit into the machine the way the controllers would like.  It’s time to start using that to my advantage, rather than allowing it to be an obstruction.

Some of the work I do will never make it into the pages of this blog.  Because this blog is my anonymous therapy blog I probably won’t get into a lot of detail about my business plans.  I will be starting some other blogs as part of these projects, but that will be in my other life, not this anonymous one.  If things go well I will let you all know of course 🙂

I’m still in love with LDR “Summertime Sadness” but the new Katy Perry song “Roar” has jumped to the top of my playlist this week and it is becoming my new personal theme song.

Katy Perry has a few songs that I find to be inspirational, but her new one is seriously off the chain.  Here is a link below to the video on YouTube.  Now, the video is a bit cheesy.  It’s fun to watch but I recommend listening to the song without watching the video so that you can focus on the lyrics and let the power of her voice feed your passion and inspire you like it did me.

Katy Perry “Roar”

– BST

 

Yesterday I had a good day.  It was nice to have a good day because over the past few weeks they had been few and far between.  Finally, yesterday it changed.  I started the day with a nice walk outside and then took care of some errands before I went to work.

Work was fine, it usually is.  It’s my personal time that is always the issue.  That is when I struggle with motivation.  The simple fact that I took care of some of the errands made a big difference.  I also think that the beginning of the day walk is a very good thing.  I might have to try and do that more.

I get done with work late in the evening and I’ve been starting to hang out at the bar across the street  more often.  I live in a small town and it’s really the only place I can socialize.  Being in the bar does not seem to be an issue in terms of temptation so it’s been ok.  I just drink my Ginger Ale.

What I have been doing is beginning to experiment and practice normal socializing skills.  I realize now that when I was drinking I actually did not socialize very much.  I knew who most of the other locals were who hung out there every night, but I never sat down and talked with them face to face.  Now I am purposely forcing myself to talk with everyone there.

This is different for me.  I’ve never been outgoing.  I can tell that it is already working.  Instead of just being a lump sitting on a stool I am now an integral part of the “regulars”.  People don’t just know my name now.  They really know who I am.  It’s been fun!  And then when a stranger comes into the bar I enjoy going over, introducing myself, and getting to know them.  That is soooo not like the old me 🙂

So, a lot of things are going well.  I’m not drinking.  I’ve been interacting more socially instead of hiding, and I feel good about what I’m doing.

The only area I need to keep working hard on is achieving my personal goals.  This is where motivation and using my spare time come into play.  This area is still difficult.  I have dreams of all these tasks I wish to work on during my non work time and I rarely seem to dig into them.  I’m going to start easy and just try to work on something small each day to get me into the groove.  Just like yesterday when I took care of a few simple tasks and my whole day was better.

Time to wrap up this post.  I’m going to go out for a walk.  Later I will head back down to the lake for the weekend.  Most likely I will be staying at the lake almost every weekend now.  It’s close to my job so I save a couple trips back into town.

– BST

I don’t know what to really think about this week so far.  I was going through a depressing patch the past couple of weeks and now things have been better.  But of course life is not a bowl of cherries and there has been some up and down.

I felt just downright weird when I got up today.  That led to feeling down again.  The usual stuff.  I’m accomplishing nothing.  I’ve wasted my life.  My brain is broken and will never work the way I want again etc etc.

When this happens I have a surefire way to make things better.  Just stop everything I’m doing, go outside, and walk.  The fresh air, the sun and the exercise.  It really helps.  After a walk, and taking care of a few errands I was feeling ok again.

I’ve been very lucky that when my mood turns sour I don’t feel the urge to drink.  In fact, when I’m at my worst and feel that my mind is beyond recovery, drinking is the last thing I want to do because I just want to hold onto the last shred of sanity I have.  Drinking just sounds like a good way to go fucking crazy rather than a helpful relief.

I do not need to devote much time to struggling with drinking.  Staying sober just seems to happen.  Whenever the evil alcohol pops into my head with ideas of drinking It’s usually easy to think up a perfectly rational excuse not to drink.  I must have finally disgusted myself to the point where alcohol is just anathema.

The struggle seems to be somewhere else.  A friend of mine had issues with depression her whole life and she always told me that she was defective.  That is exactly how I feel.  A defective part.  The older I get the more hopeless it seems.  I’m not “normal”.  I can’t do the things “normal” people do.  As I age I become ever more far removed from the societal norms. I’m a fucking freak show.

It’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure that I can work in job environments with other people.  I make it through my job each day, but I feel as though I’m expending a tremendous effort in order to do the routine tasks and “fit in” with the others.

I think my ideal job would be locked up in some crazy mad scientist lab or some shit.  I’m probably a perfect candidate for some bizarre NSA super secret research project.

So what am I to do?  My resume is starting to look something like this.

  • Can work well with others, but really wishes I didn’t have to.
  • Full of crazy thoughts and ideas that very few seem to comprehend.
  • Interested in meticulous analysis of everything around me.
  • I enjoy staring into space and doing absolutely nothing.
  • If I could be paid to read books all day.  I would.
  • I’m a futurist.  I design, plan and pontificate on future technology and society.  (Someone needs to pay me to day dream, seriously)

I could go on but I better stop 🙂

You ever see that documentary of the guy who lived up in Alaska all alone most of his life?  He built his cabin and all the things he needed to survive.  It’s a fascinating show.  Sometimes I think that would be my ideal life.  Society does not seem to want, or need me.  Maybe I’m better off alone in the woods where all my work and decisions have real life and death consequences.  I seriously think I would be perfectly fine with that life.

Well, I don’t think that is gonna happen so I’ll just keep struggling along and hope that someday I get lucky and stumble upon something that works for me.

Ideally I should really start my own business.  That has been the obvious choice for decades now.  Being sober seems like a great opportunity to finally act on this.  Now I see the bigger problem.  I’m not drinking, and yet I still cannot motivate myself to achieve my goals.  Whats up with that!!!

The hope that I cling on to now is that as I am sober for a longer period of time my mind will continue to heal and maybe that motivation will finally come.  Sobriety is not the cure for laziness it seems.  FUCK!  ;-p  Gotta keep searching for that one hehe.

Lets end on a happy note.  Here is the sunset from last night.

– BST

This is it.  The biggest festival of the year hits town.  It’s a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon and the crowds are already out.

Last night after work I walked around for awhile and then hung out at my favorite bar.  It was overall pretty quite, and I did not hang around long.  Tonight after work should be different.  I expect the town will be packed to the rafters.  Usually on the festival weekend the bars are so full you can hardly move.  Should be some interesting people watching.

I’m sure I will run into a lot of people I know.  I ran into a few peeps last night, and had some good conversation.  Of course, I also had to deal with a few random drunken conversations.  When I was drunk I must have been oblivious to these weird drunken talks.  Drunk people seem so much more drunk now LOL!!!  Slurring, drooling, unintelligible gurgling hehe.  Frankly, it shocks me a bit.

Is there a story here about the life of average Americans?  Or, a story about humans in general?  Is this really where we are?

When I was young I wished that I lived in the far future.  Present day society always seemed so primitive 🙂  I’m not gonna lie.  Going sober can reveal some stark truths about life.  During the days of drinking my brain was weakened and more susceptible to the placating media, and soothing control structures that keep you working like the little cog in the machine that is wanted.

Even under those conditions I was the cog that never fit.  Always causing problems for the machine.  Never “fitting in” just right.  After a month of sobriety my eyes are open again, and the brain is recovering.  The shocking truth is now in my face everywhere I go.  I can’t just put my mind on cruise control and slide by.

That’s ok.  I would rather be aware and freaked out, then oblivious and content.

Time to go and enjoy this wonderful day.  I can smell the festival food wafting through my window.  I better get out there in the sun.

– BST

Yard work was a good thing today.  It was just gorgeous out.  Sunny and 80 most of the day.  After spending half the day mowing the lawn and cleaning up the yard I was ready for a shower!  A big lunch, a hot  shower and I was ready for work.

Work was much better than last night.  I figured it would be.  Gotta bounce back baby 🙂  Working outside always makes me feel good, and tonight was nice and steady at work, but not crazy.  A good ending to the weekend.

I’m getting excited about passing the one month mark for sobriety!  I think that milestone is going to feel good.  It will strengthen the foundation.

Lately I have been writing down more notes and compiling lists.  I’ve always had a crazy imagination.  Now that I am sober it’s working better.  I have lots of ideas, but the real question is will I act on any of them.  I guess time will tell.

– BST

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