I’ve been slacking on the blog!  My last entry was Saturday during the festival.

Well, the rest of the festival went fine.  It was sort of a coming out party for me.  Almost everyone is aware now that I am not drinking.  Overall, I would say that I am happy with how it all went.  It can be depressing to be around so many drunk people, but I managed to enjoy myself.

Some of my friends are struggling a bit with my decision.  I have not had a drop of alcohol in over a month, and I noticed that some people are starting to evaluate their own drinking habits.  This evaluation seems to lead to the conclusion that they are drinking too much.  Then they get all depressed and ask me my opinion on their drinking.  I don’t want to advise them on their drinking habits.  I don’t want to go around telling everyone that they should stop drinking.  And then after all that I feel depressed!!  Sheeesh!

The past two weeks have been difficult.  The shiny newness of sobriety wore off and regular old life just kept grinding on.  Sometimes I feel like shit.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything with my life.  Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I’m not drinking because everything else in my life is still the same as it was before!

I know that I am prone to depression so this is expected.  I think that being 40 might have something to do with it as well.  We got ourselves a good ole fucking fashioned mid life crisis going on here methinks! ;-p

My head goes down that rabbit hole I don’t know how many times a day.  Then I stop and think… think…think…think.  Ya know, I do have a lot more money in my bank account this month.  I have a job.  I have people who care about me.  I have my apartment and I love where I live.  I’m staying sober.  No matter how many things I feel down about not accomplishing I can point to sobriety and say “HEY!” this is an accomplishment sitting over here.

I have a lot to work on, but I’m lazy.  What is the cure for that?  There is something deeper here.  Drinking was not the cause of all my problems.  It was a symptom.  Getting rid of drinking is good.  I can honestly look at that and believe 100% in my mind that abstaining from alcohol is a good thing for me.  It just didn’t miraculously solve all my other issues 🙂

Thank God the full moon is well past us now.  I think that my depression gets worse around the full moon.  I’m not sure about that though.  Just a weird thought.

Today felt a little better.  The fact that I decided to write after work tonight is a good sign.

There has been a song playing a lot on the radio the past few weeks and it has been the perfect soundtrack to my mood.  It’s called “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey.  I guess the album came out last year but I just started hearing the song recently.  It’s a beautiful song.  I love it.

Check it out.   Summertime Sadness

– BST

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After work tonight I hit the festival.  Once again I passed on buying a wrist band for the beer garden.  I sat on a wall for a bit watching the band over the fence and quickly determined that they were a pretty shitty cover band.

Did a few more laps walking around the festival and the carnival area, then stopped into the bar.  I had a really good time tonight.  With the festival going on the bar was busier, and very lively.  I met some new people, and chatted with a lot of my old friends.

I rolled with ginger ale again tonight.  I get the feeling that I’m going to turn into a ginger ale aficionado.  That and tea hehe.

The festival was a good test.  This event is completely designed around alcohol consumption.  I saw a shitload of hammered people, and I’m sure I’ll see more the rest of the weekend.  The temptation was there.  It was not a sharp temptation.  It was in the background, kinda dull.  It was also fleeting.  Within moments it would go away.

As the night went on I got stronger and felt better.  At the end of the night I relaxed on the bench outside in front of my apartment.  There were drunk people stumbling up and down main street and a few that could no longer walk being dragged by their friends.  Watching this at the end of the night always gives me a sense of strength.  It reminds me of what I don’t want to be.  Yes, it is always rewarding at the end.

Well, I managed to stay up VERY late tonight hehe.  It’s 4am.  *yawns*.  Oh btw that means I have officially passed the 1 month mark!!

– BST

This is it.  The biggest festival of the year hits town.  It’s a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon and the crowds are already out.

Last night after work I walked around for awhile and then hung out at my favorite bar.  It was overall pretty quite, and I did not hang around long.  Tonight after work should be different.  I expect the town will be packed to the rafters.  Usually on the festival weekend the bars are so full you can hardly move.  Should be some interesting people watching.

I’m sure I will run into a lot of people I know.  I ran into a few peeps last night, and had some good conversation.  Of course, I also had to deal with a few random drunken conversations.  When I was drunk I must have been oblivious to these weird drunken talks.  Drunk people seem so much more drunk now LOL!!!  Slurring, drooling, unintelligible gurgling hehe.  Frankly, it shocks me a bit.

Is there a story here about the life of average Americans?  Or, a story about humans in general?  Is this really where we are?

When I was young I wished that I lived in the far future.  Present day society always seemed so primitive 🙂  I’m not gonna lie.  Going sober can reveal some stark truths about life.  During the days of drinking my brain was weakened and more susceptible to the placating media, and soothing control structures that keep you working like the little cog in the machine that is wanted.

Even under those conditions I was the cog that never fit.  Always causing problems for the machine.  Never “fitting in” just right.  After a month of sobriety my eyes are open again, and the brain is recovering.  The shocking truth is now in my face everywhere I go.  I can’t just put my mind on cruise control and slide by.

That’s ok.  I would rather be aware and freaked out, then oblivious and content.

Time to go and enjoy this wonderful day.  I can smell the festival food wafting through my window.  I better get out there in the sun.

– BST

My town starts its yearly, 4 day, huge festival tomorrow.  I haven’t been thinking about it that much.  In fact it kinda snuck up on me!  We live in a tourist town that attracts a lot of out of towners the year round.  The festival will bring in droves.

The festival will be in my face because I live on main street, smack dab in the middle of town.  In previous years I would have been fantasizing for weeks about the drunken debauchery that would ensue once the festival kicks off.

I’m still going to enjoy it.  I’m still going to love living on main street and being in the middle of it all when the big crowds come in.  Instead of making lunch, I’ll just walk out my front door and eat festival food for four days LOL 🙂

I’m not going to be buying any wrist bands this year.  I bet I’m gonna save around 200 bucks participating in the festival sober  😉  The money will go to festival food, a few beverages and maaaaaybe a carnival game or two.  Hey!  I can play a carnival game if I want!  I think I’m saving enough on the beer!  ;-p  Oh, and I can get a T-shirt with the saved money too!

When the festival kicks into full gear over the weekend I will be passing into month two of sobriety.  A festival to celebrate my one month!  Perfect timing!  🙂

 

Yard work was a good thing today.  It was just gorgeous out.  Sunny and 80 most of the day.  After spending half the day mowing the lawn and cleaning up the yard I was ready for a shower!  A big lunch, a hot  shower and I was ready for work.

Work was much better than last night.  I figured it would be.  Gotta bounce back baby 🙂  Working outside always makes me feel good, and tonight was nice and steady at work, but not crazy.  A good ending to the weekend.

I’m getting excited about passing the one month mark for sobriety!  I think that milestone is going to feel good.  It will strengthen the foundation.

Lately I have been writing down more notes and compiling lists.  I’ve always had a crazy imagination.  Now that I am sober it’s working better.  I have lots of ideas, but the real question is will I act on any of them.  I guess time will tell.

– BST

Nothing much to say about last night.  Just went to work and then came home, read a bit and went to bed.

My brain decided to be foggy at work tonight and that was annoying.  It made what would usually be an easy job a little bit harder hehe 🙂  I work again tonight, so we’ll see if I can turn that around.

The “mind not working” thing can be depressing.  Since I don’t have to be depressed about drinking, it’s one of the only things left that gets me down.  The upside is that I can always say “hey! at least I’m sober”.  Being able to say that always helps 🙂

It’s Sunday!  Time to go out, mow the lawn, and do some yard work.  That should help clear the mind.

– BST

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